Reading is one of the simplest ways to gain some perspective and assist with personal growth. The first few months after a separation can be difficult. Sleeping patterns can be interrupted and the future may seem more uncertain. Parenting and financial matters can also be a concern over the long-term. We’ve put together a reading list of books to help separated parties in a range of situations.
Our favourite books on mindset
Atomic Habits- James Clear
The Happiness Trap- Russ Harris
4 Weeks to Better Sleep- Michael Mosley
The Co-Parenting Handbook- Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little
The Whole-Brain Child- Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Barefoot Investor- Scott Pape
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success- Carol Dweck
Untamed- Glennon Doyle
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***- Mark Manson
How to use this guide
There are many dimensions to life after separation. This practical guide aims to provide useful materials to help you navigate the various aspects of this journey, including:
The raw emotions felt directly after a separation and the disruptions to everyday life.
The difficulties of effective co-parenting.
Becoming financially secure and rebuilding your life and identity for the long run.
This list may help you develop useful strategies, but it isn’t a replacement for personal support. Speak with a professional if you’re struggling with your wellbeing.
Books for the first 90 days
The first three months post-separation can be tumultuous. Parties often deal with strong emotions and interruptions to daily routines that can affect mental health. Here are some books that may help during this time.
Atomic Habits- James Clear
People get into deeply ingrained daily routines during a long-term relationship. When separation upends those routines, it can feel disorienting and stressful. Rather than fixing everything at once, it can be more useful to focus on the small wins you can achieve each day. This is where Atomic Habits has helped many of our clients.
The book emphasises that it’s the small steps to develop healthier habits that often work better. Its actionable strategies for dealing with bad habits aren’t overwhelming. Don’t over-stretch yourself during this difficult time. Let the book guide you through the incremental improvements you can make day by day.
The Happiness Trap- Russ Harris
We’ve lost count of how many clients have sat before us feeling guilty about the strong emotions they’re experiencing. They believe that they don’t have the right to their anger and grief. They believe that they just need to ‘get over it’. The Happiness Trap provides a different perspective.
The book recognises that it’s human nature to have a negativity bias. Our brains tend to focus on risks and mistakes. It introduces readers to acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). This presents a different way to approach emotional trauma. It gives you practical ways to develop a more positive mindset by learning to accept and process negative emotions with mindfulness techniques and commit to moving toward a valued life.
4 Weeks to Better Sleep- Michael Mosley
A good night’s sleep is important to your mental and physical health. Anyone going through a separation or divorce could tell you the impact it can have on your sleep patterns. If you’re looking for solutions to sleeping issues, Michael Mosley has pulled together the latest research in 4 Weeks to Better Sleep. He talks about the reasons for sleep disruptions and why techniques you’ve already tried may not have worked.
His scientifically-based 4-week plan offers practical steps to get your sleep back on track. It’s a quick program designed to have long-term benefits. The book even offers meal recommendations that improve your gut microbiome to facilitate good sleep.
Books for separated parents
When there are children involved, parties look for ways to develop healthy co-parenting arrangements. This means learning to put aside personal animus and caring for their kids’ best interests. Here are practical books to help with this process.
The Co-Parenting Handbook- Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little
We’ve noticed that many separated parents think that they need to maintain something like a friendship with their former partner for good co-parenting. However, this isn’t true. A more business-like arrangement is often more practical. But what do you do if you’re struggling with communication? The Co-Parenting Handbook could be a lot of help.
Written by co-parenting coaches, this book provides common-sense tools for managing conflict and establishing boundaries so families can move forward on good terms. The authors give tips on how to communicate and make joint decisions effectively. It also covers sensitive areas, such as introducing new partners to your children.
The Whole-Brain Child- Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
As tough as separation can be on parents, what our clients really worry about is how it’s affecting their children. Such a big family transition can often result in altered child behaviours, like acting out or emotional withdrawal. This can greatly concern parents who may not know if this is due to the difficulties of adjusting to a new reality or something deeper.
The Whole-Brain Child explains how children’s brains are wired, which can give you a better understanding of why these behaviours arise. The book’s 12 parenting strategies for handling different situations can help parents cope with a variety of negative behaviours.
Financial resetting and rebuilding for the long-term
Once the immediate hurt of a separation has passed, many people begin to think about what they want their new life to look like. One critical factor is the profound impact separation can have on a person’s financial security. These books offer insights into managing finances and pursuing personal development.
Barefoot Investor- Scott Pape
A huge concern for people after separation is financial insecurity. Going from two incomes to one (or even none) is a big adjustment to make. Many questions can go through your mind. What will my living situation look like? How can I make sure my kids’ needs are taken care of? The best defence against economic hardship is sensible financial management.
Scott Pape is a celebrated Australian financial counsellor. We like The Barefoot Investor because it approaches personal finance matters in an easy-to-understand way. It provides actionable steps that are directly relevant to separated couples. If you need guidance on issues such as reducing debts manageably and putting together a household budget, this is a book to check out.
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success- Carol Dweck
We regularly meet clients going through a divorce after a decade or more of marriage, and they think that life has changed permanently for the worse. They often feel like they’re too old to start again and are struggling to see the path forward. However, unlocking your potential may come down to mindset.
This 2006 book by Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck introduces the key concepts of growth mindsets versus fixed mindsets. Based on decades of research, the book distinguishes between people who believe that human abilities are fixed and those who believe they can be developed. By changing your mindset to a growth attitude, you can move outside of your comfort zone and embrace new possibilities.
Untamed- Glennon Doyle
Leaving a long-term relationship can lead to a loss of identity for many parties. When so much of your sense of self has been tied to another person, it can be hard to know how to move on. This is where we think Glennon Doyle’s Untamed can be a helpful read.
It’s a relatable story from New York Times bestselling author Glennon Doyle. This memoir traces her path through divorce and forming a blended family. It can be easy to lose your identity after a divorce and succumb to a victim mentality. But by learning to trust yourself, you can build resilience and live life as your true self. The book isn’t so much an instruction manual as a companion for people trying to understand themselves again as individuals.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F***- Mark Manson
Clients can face a lot of challenges after a separation. Some things they can control, other things they can’t. It’s common to focus too much on an ex-partner’s behaviour or hypothetical future problems. This leads to feelings of powerlessness for many people.
Mark Manson’s cheekily titled book highlights the importance of redirecting your energy towards matters you can actually do something about. Embracing personal values that you can actually control, like honesty and punctuality, can lead to a more positive life. He also insists on finding meaning in life’s struggles, rather than trying to force happiness. The book has been a motivational read for adults and young people alike.
When reading isn't enough
A great book may help you get through tough times. But they’re not an adequate substitute for professional help when you’re struggling with significant hardship. If you’re finding it hard to cope, please reach out for support. Consider contacting a GP, counsellor, or a trusted friend or family member you feel safe speaking to.
Here are some other community resources you may find helpful:
Lifeline can offer crisis support on 13 11 14.
If you’re experiencing family violence, consider calling 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.
In an emergency, call 000.
Conclusion
Self-help literature can provide useful strategies for people struggling after a separation or divorce. Parenting and financial matters are major issues for many, while the immediate aftermath of a separation can come with emotional difficulties and altered routines. Our curated list is designed to give you materials that cater to various aspects of post-separation life.
Disclaimer: This article provides general information only. It is not legal advice. Family law outcomes depend on your circumstances. You should speak with a family lawyer before making decisions about your matter.
